It’s such a depressing word in and of itself. And for years, I’ve felt like if I mourn, then that’s a sign of weakness. I feel like there’s this unspoken “thing” in our culture today that tells us we shouldn’t mourn. It’s as if when something bad happens to us, we need to shape up or ship out… that we need to shake it off and move on… that crying and grieving and mourning is a sign of being weak and vulnerable.
And so in the past, when bad stuff happens, I’ve found myself not able to really mourn. I give myself pep talks and I tell myself to get over it and stand strong. I distract myself. I use humor as a defense mechanism. But honestly, that just gets me into trouble.
So, here I am… sitting in a stage of grief that I can’t explain. I’m having dreams that keep me up all night. I’m walking around in a daze. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror looking pregnant, yet I know that right inside my belly is a beautiful baby who will I will never see grow up.
Waves of anxiety hit me and I literally feel like my chest is going to cave in and I’m not going to be able to control my sobs. I have moments where I’m fine, and then moments where something triggers me and I lose all sense of self and reason. My husband just wraps me in his arms and allows me to sob uncontrollably while I say incomprehensible words and he just says over and over again, “It’s okay, baby. I love you. It’s okay, baby. I love you. I’m here.”
It’s the first time in my life where I’m fully allowing myself to actually… mourn. It feels weird to say it, but that’s my reality. Mourning the loss of a child that I knew, but never got to know.
I just keep running back to scripture. I just keep running to Jesus and asking Him, begging Him, to show me what He has for me. I did a lot of reading on mourning in the bible over the past few days. The thing is… mourning is biblical.
Yet, more often than not, I feel like Christians are the ones who say we shouldn’t mourn or the ones who say that we should be tough, warriors for Christ. While that’s true, we are warriors for Christ, God also says we can, and we should, mourn. Mourning is a part of the healing process… an important part.
God even says “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” Matthew 5:4.
Matthew reminds us that Rachel weeped for her children… “A voice was heard in Ramah, weeping and loud lamentation, Rachel weeping for her children; she refused to be comforted, because they are no more.” Matthew 2:18
The church mourned at the passing of Aaron: “And when all the congregation saw that Aaron had perished, all the house of Israel wept for Aaron thirty days.” Numbers 20:29
God says He is near to those who are brokenhearted: “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
And Jesus himself wept in John 11:35.
I could go on… but the fact remains, mourning is a part of the healing and renewal and restoration process. It does not, and should not, last forever. But it’s damaging for us to skip over this part. Yes, right now feels heavy and dark. There’s a lot hanging over our heads. Decisions John and I never have ever wanted to make that we are having to make. Sometimes I feel like I can’t see clearly or think straight…
But there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. In the morning, the sun rises. And in the mourning, the Son rises and carries me through.
Joy will come. Not today, probably not this week. But it will come eventually. Joy will come in and through the mourning.
(*I just also want to say a word of thanks for your prayers, emails, messages, comments, and support. The love my family and I have felt from this community is incredible. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.)