February 6, 2009·


Lawns across America are looking rather drab. Grills are not being fired up. Footballs are not being thrown. Laughs are not being laughed. Hammocks aren’t swinging. Cigars aren’t being smoked [which could be a good thing because cigar smokers are 53 times more likely to get cancer of the larynx]. Families are lamenting, “It’s just not the same. Something is missing.” That “missing something” is their beloved lawn gnomes.

In a string of thefts, serial recycled-metal-weather-safe-alien-lawn-gnome-bandits are terrorizing the nation and walking away with many household’s beloved exterior decorations. No one knows why the alien-bandits are targeting lawn gnomes. But it’s happening. It has been hypothesized that it is a brutal battle of the recycled materials dating back to the premier of An Inconvenient Truth. Acrylic v. Found-recycled-metal. A battle of epic proportions.

Get a room, gnomes.
Get a room, gnomes.


Who knows if the lawn gnomes will return? Will they band together in lawn-gnome-land and prepare to fight back? Or will they simply cower in fear and [eskimo]-kiss each other in the corner?