ATTENTION TONY ALMEIDA! Michelle is alive and I know where she is! Michelle is on the LOST island, AND she just had a baby, YOUR magic-1970’s-flashback-baby (oh, BTW, it was a boy). Furthermore, she has a new hubby, but I think that is just a cover, because we know she really still loves you, Tony.

You see, when the bad guy, Henderson [aka: robocop], from season 5 [of 24] blew you guys up, he had a plan. He was, in fact, working with the Dharma Initiative. He knew Michelle would be a great addition to the DI so he blew the two of you up, took Michelle, and left you for dead. But you (Tony) didn’t die, you’re stronger than that [you fake-died later that season]. Well, NEITHER DID MICHELLE! Michelle (now known as Amy) then got transported to the LOST Island by V.P. Jim Prescott [from Season 3] who is now pretending to be this guy named Charles Widmore. See, it’s all in the plans!

Oh, AND Jack Shepard’s dad, Christian, who was known as Bob Warner in season 2 of 24, teamed up with creepy Dharma-VHS-video-guy Marvin Candle/Dr. Chang/Dr. Edgar, who also played that Consul KooYin in season 4 of 24, to conspire to get Michelle to the LOST island so she could get preggers and give you a baby. BAM! Again! It’s all in the plans.

So, TONY, don’t give up. Michelle/Amy had the baby so she could get the schematics to the LOST island, which would eventually lead her to the buried JUGHEAD, which she would of course destroy in a most badass and dramatic endeavor, put nine people in a sleeper hold, and then break six necks, all while answering the Island/CTU phone, and yelling “PUT THE GUN DOWN!” – eventually she would rebuild the submarine that was blown up, and navigate her way back to Los Angeles where she would then fly herself to D.C., pay $34.90 for a cab, and be reunited with you again.

Phew. I told you, it’s all in the plan. The writers of these shows are so smart and I am even smarter for unraveling their plan.

Namaste, bitches.