On Mother’s Day…
Happy Mother’s Day to all the mommas out there!
Writing is like therapy for me. It’s a way for me to get my thoughts down on “paper” and word vomit all the stuff rolling around in my brain.
So, if I’m being honest, as I lay here in my hammock in my backyard on this beautiful Sunday afternoon, I’m filled with mixed emotions.
I am happy and full of joy because it’s my first Mother’s Day as a mom-to-be. My sweet husband got me a card and a gift that I love, we went to church, had a great service, ate lunch out back, and it’s just so peaceful.
I look down as I type and I can’t help but smile as I feel (and see) the baby inside of me rolling around and reminding me I’m going to be a mother.
But then there is this other part of me that honestly feels sad. Mother’s Day has always been tough for me since my mom died almost 11 years ago. Although I’ve dealt with her death and I’ve grieved her loss, it’s still difficult to not miss her on a day like today.
But for some reason, it feels even a little more difficult this year.
I look at this picture of my mom when she was pregnant with me and I compared it with a picture of me:
I just love her smile and I just know how happy she was to be pregnant. My mom wanted so badly to be a mother. She already loved my sister SO much as though she were her own blood, but I also know that to be able to carry a baby was something she wanted to experience.
And so as I think about that, and as I go through this pregnancy, there are so many times when I wish I could pick up the phone and call her.
There are so many times where I wonder what in the heck is happening to my body and I just want to call my mom and hear her voice and have her tell me the same thing happened to her, or here’s what’s happening, or here’s what I can do to feel better.
And I think about when the baby is here and I’m sure I’m going to have 97,000 parenting questions that I’ll wish I could pick up the phone, call her, and ask. But I can’t do that. I won’t be able to do that.
Yes, I know there are things like the internet, my sister, other family members, and my friends who have had babies and even my amazing mother-in-law. But the truth is, all of those are not the same. They’re not MY mom.
And that’s hard.
I think about how much she would have loved being a grandmother. I look at how much my dad loves being a grandfather already to my nephew Kyle… and I know if my mom were here she’d be spoiling him rotten.
And as I think about the arrival of our baby, it also is sad that my son or daughter will never have had the opportunity to meet my mom. So I try to think of stories I’ll tell him or her… ways I can make her come alive for them.
And beyond that, I pray. I pray for God to heal and bring peace to this part of my heart that honestly just hurts. Sure, I’m a grown adult, but I’m also sometimes just a daughter, a little girl, who just wants her mommy.
I know a lot of this has been rambling, bumbling text. Forgive me, it’s the word vomit.
So, I just end with a picture of me and my mom in the hospital on the day I was born and I pray that the love I see in her eyes is the love that will be in mine when our baby is finally here.
Happy Mother’s Day.
Of course, I never met your mom, but just hearing the amazing stories about her and seeing the love in her smile I see so much of her in you. I think that even when you can’t pick up the phone and call she will be there giving you the words, the comfort, the strength you need and desire. Your mom molded you into an amazing woman and so much of that can be seen in just a few moments spent with you. xoxo Praying for you and your heart and your relationship with your sweet babe. <3
oh lins thank you so much for this. <3 you!
One of the things I think the internet is great for is having people praying for you that you don’t even realize are. After I read this yesterday, I prayed for you whenever I thought of you. I don’t know you, but after following along for a while, I feel like I do. I realize this side of heaven, you won’t be able to see your mama again. But I pray as you go through this beautiful change in your own life of becoming a mama that God will bring back wonderful memories of your own mom to enjoy. And that through your own baby, God will bring joy back into your mother’s days.
jessica – this was one of the sweetest comments i’ve ever received. thank you so much for your prayers, thank you for your support, and thank you for being awesome. you made my week. <3
Oh Molly, I relate to this so much! Missing your mom on Mother’s Day stinks (to put it lightly) and this year has been a totally different experience knowing I’ll soon be a mom. I want nothing more than to ask my mom a million questions about pregnancy and childbirth. But I’m so thankful we both know God is in control and is the ultimate comforter and caretaker. Sending hugs your way!
oh beth i know you do! yet another reason why i love you – you get me 🙂 🙂 but seriously – thank you for your sweet message. thinking of you!!
molly thank you for sharing this – i didn’t know that about your mom. I can only imagine that even though it’s been awhile how hard mother’s day is and how hard new events are without your mom here. I’m sure while so exciting that you’re having a baby, it’s hard to picture all those things without your mom. You are going to be an amazing mom who would make your mom so proud!
thank you so much for your sweet words, katie! <3
Happy Mother’s Day Molly! You will be a wonderful mother and forge your own path learning to be a mom. It’s a difficult path, but my biggest prayer is to be the mom that each of my kids need. The Lord will bless you for sure!
xo Lulu
simplylulustyle.com
thank you so much, lulu!
She is looking down on you with the same love in her eyes and you will do the same with the new Stillman :))
brooke @ what2wear
thank you, love <3