One of the things that I have loved most about having this blog over the past six years is I’ve been able to use it as a way to document the major things going on in my life, I’ve been able to document my personal style at the time, my likes, my dislikes, my life happenings, and I’ve even been able to use it as a place of self-reflection.
The latter of all of those is basically what today is.
I’ve mentioned before that one of my goals in 2014 is to work on being less deprecating. It’s a disease, really. I have an awful habit of using self-deprecation as a defense mechanism when I’m in situations where I feel uncomfortable. I noticed for a while that I was getting better at being less self-deprecating but I’ve gotten back into a habit of it as of late and I’ve got to cut it out.
A lot of it goes back to just all this self-doubt I have within me about my parenting. Parenting is the greatest, most awesome, most rewarding, most difficult job ever and thus is it so easy to think that you’re the worst at it.
This past week I just had a few moments where I just felt like the worst mom on the planet. Whether it be because I couldn’t calm Lilly down for whatever reason or if because she had her first real big boo-boo and I felt AWFUL because it was kinda my fault (she’s fine…), or because she was refusing to nurse, or she was doing this or that. Or maybe I just began doubting whether I’m making the best decision for this or that.
Whatever the case may be, I just felt a lot of self doubt creeping in and it began to really weigh heavy on me and I felt it it affecting other things throughout my day. I felt less productive, I felt less motivated, I felt less rested, I felt less confident. I started feeling like a bad wife because I was being a bad mom. Then I felt more stressed about that and this. It was ugly. It was a seriously vicious cycle. It’s not who I am or who I like to be. I LIKE TO BE HAPPY ALL THE TIME, DANGIT.
But then I snapped myself out of it and just started focusing on the GOOD things that were happening. The things that I KNOW I’m doing well. I started listening to and TRUSTING my husband and the positive influences around me and I started blocking out all that crap that the enemy is whispering in my ear. And suddenly, I started to feel better.
And this is unrelated but somewhat related (I think) to all of this, but John and I have been in the process of making some pretty big decisions for our family recently and it just feels like God is opening the right doors for us right now. And so I am choosing to TRUST and to focus on those things and TRUST in His mercy and His grace and His direction for my life and for our lives.
I just keep praying over and over and over that God would continue to open the doors (some quite literally) that He wants us to go through and that He would slam shut the ones He doesn’t. And I keep praying that God would continue to keep me focused on the positive, on the good things, and the funny things, and all the blessings that He’s gifted me with. I just pray that I’m able to shut out all that stupid negativity that I let fester in my ear that starts to make it’s way into my consciousness. You know? Ain’t nobody got time for that.
Nope. Nope. Nope.
You know what I DO got time for? The good stuff.
I know this is random and it was not the post I originally planned for today and that’s okay. Sometimes word vomit is the best way to process things. Or something.
If you’ve made it this far in this post… I thank you for humoring me.
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