A Letter to Elijah and Malachi on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

October 15, 2018·

Dear Elijah and Malachi,

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, but here’s what I think… I think the day isn’t for me, or any other parent who has lost a baby, for that matter. You see, I think this day is for everyone else… everyone else who hasn’t experienced the loss of a pregnancy or the loss of a child. Because, the reality is, there isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not aware that you existed. Every day is an awareness day for me.

I heard your hearts beat.

I felt your flutters (especially after I ate anything spicy).

I saw my belly grow.

I felt the nausea.

I felt the exhaustion that only pregnancy can bring on.

I saw you wriggle around on the ultrasound screen.

And then I heard those words I never wanted to hear, “I’m sorry, Molly. The baby is gone.”

You were gone. But there you were, still inside my belly. But you were gone.

Personal: Pregnancy Loss and Miscarriage at 16 Weeks

And then when I held you, I saw your eyes, I saw your nose, your little legs and arms, your precious hands and feet. I saw the lifeline in your hands. I saw the fingerprints on your fingers. You were so real. You were so wanted. You are so loved and always will be.

Malachi Jude - Second Trimester Pregnancy Loss (4)

The only thing I have left of the both of you are your ashes. The tiny, tiny little bags that contain your ashes and the tiny urns that hold them. They sit on a shelf in our home and every day I see them and I think of you. But really, there’s not a moment that goes by that you’re not in the back of my mind.

Elijah Timothy Stillman - Second Trimester Pregnancy Loss (2)

As I play with Lilly and Amos, I can’t help but think, “What would they be doing with Elijah and Malachi right now? Would they be smothering them or trying to get them to play? I bet they’d try to snuggle them or hold them or read to them.”

You would have loved Lilly and Amos… they would have been the best big brother and sister to you.

Your daddy and I had dreams for you, plans for you, visions for you. We were so excited for you. But we know God’s plan for you is greater than ours ever will be. We pray that your legacy will never be forgotten and that others will value life and children and God’s plan because of you. We pray other families who have lost children will be seen and known and heard because of the impact of your story.

So, today, on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, my prayer is that anyone who has ever been so lucky to never feel the pain of empty arms, is aware of you and all the other angels in heaven looking down.

I love you,

Your mommy.

If you have experienced the loss of a baby through miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, stillbirth, or infant / child loss… today I remember your baby with you. Leave the name of your angel or date of loss in the comments so I can pray for you specifically. <3