The One I Prayed I’d Never Have to Write Again

June 20, 2018·

I didn’t think I’d ever have to write a post like this again. I prayed I’d never have to write a post like this again, but here we are. This is raw and honest because it’s all I have right now. It happened again. My worst nightmare happened again. 

This post should have been a pregnancy announcement. We wanted to wait awhile to share our fourth pregnancy because I was too terrified and too anxious. But waiting didn’t matter because it happened again anyway. 

Immediately after we lost Elijah back in February… I got pregnant again. It was not planned. To say it was a complete shock is an understatement. We were terrified and anxious and hopeful and felt all the feels. I was not anywhere close to being ready to be pregnant again… In fact, the night before I found out I was pregnant, I’d said to both my husband and my counselor, “I can’t event think about getting pregnant again until we get through Elijah’s due date.” God thought my “plans” were cute because He clearly had different plans.

During that time I felt God so near and He said, “I am with you. I am here. You are not alone.” The Lord was teaching me Trust in a way I can’t explain.

Every doctor’s appointment was absolutely terrifying. Every time I walked through those doors I was so scared… I feared the worst. My mind would go to places it shouldn’t and sometimes the anxiety felt like it was choking me out. However, my midwives reassured me that I was healthy and baby was healthy and everything looked and sounded great. Second trimester losses are so rare – our situation with Elijah was so rare – the chances of it happening again were so small… We had nothing but the “odds” on our side.

I tried so hard to give this pregnancy the Heisman for the first trimester… keeping it at arms length so I wouldn’t get attached. But who am I kidding. With each passing week and each doctor’s appointment hearing the heartbeat and seeing our baby on the ultrasound screen, I got more and more attached. John and I began to dream about this baby… our rainbow baby… our redeemer for the pain of losing Elijah. We were hopeful. I was already showing (a lot) and “hiding” our pregnancy was getting more and more difficult. It’s not that we didn’t want to share it with everyone, we were just so. scared. So we waited…

I got through the first trimester and took a breath, but inside I knew my battle with worry and anxiety wasn’t over yet. I knew I needed to get through the time we lost Elijah, Elijah’s due date, and my anatomy scan and then maybe, just maybe, I could relax. 

I bought an at-home fetal doppler off Amazon so that I could listen to the heartbeat at home. Some said it wouldn’t be a good idea, but I liked being able to hear my baby whenever I wanted. It was reassuring.

I listened to the baby right before we left for the beach and everything sounded great. We got home from the beach on Sunday night and I went to listen to the heartbeat again… but this time I couldn’t find the heartbeat. I tried 8 times with no luck. Woke up Monday morning and tried again – no luck. I kept saying to myself, “The baby has just probably moved and is in a tougher spot to find…” But inside, I knew. I called my midwife and she had me come in immediately to the office that morning.

And there we were. In the same office, with my same midwife, in the same room, in the same ultrasound room hearing the same words: “I’m so sorry, Molly. There’s no heartbeat.”

We’ve lost the baby. My worst fear became reality. Nearly every anxious thought I’d had my entire pregnancy came true. I just started crying and screaming “No!” My husband was with me this time and he just grabbed my hands and laid his head over mine and we just cried. My kids were there and Amos just started crying and Lilly was so confused. It was awful. I just kept thinking I was asleep and I’d wake up from this nightmare. 

But I haven’t woken up. It is real. The odds were not in our favor… Two second trimester losses in 5 months. Back to Back. The doctor said in his recent memory he’s never seen a case like this with second trimester losses this close together with no immediate indication of why. It’s like we’ve won the worst kind of lottery. 

I will go into the hospital on Friday of this week to have our baby… I’m beyond thankful for an incredibly compassionate midwifery team and team of doctors who are helping us through this and trying to make this as easy on us as possible. We will share this baby’s name and sex when we are ready… but for now, we ask for privacy as we navigate this. And we also welcome all of your prayers because they are so, so needed right now. 

While we could have chosen not to share our story or share the story of our babies… we are choosing to because we believe their lives matter. Their short lives matter. Elijah’s life matters and this baby’s life matters. Our babies were not just “clusters of cells” or “fetal tissue” – these were OUR babies with eyes and ears and arms and legs and beating hearts and souls that were formed by our Creator.

We cannot explain why this happened once, let alone twice. We have no idea. I have no idea.

At the end of the day, if just one other mom or dad that has experienced loss like this is comforted to know that they are not alone and that the lives of their babies mattered too… then we will continue to share our story.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” -Psalm 34:18

To read our story about Elijah, you can read those posts here, here, and here.