So many people have asked me in the past couple of weeks, “How are you getting through this? I can’t believe you’re still standing after all you’ve been through this year.” Honestly, I can’t either. But here I am. Here we are.
I am grieving in a way that is difficult to put into words. This whole situation sucks. Losing two babies in 5 months absolutely sucks. There is no sugar coating it. But I am putting one foot in front of the other and I am off and running towards Jesus in a way I can’t fully explain.
If you’re not a believer, you’re probably like, “Huh? What?” Hear me out… If you knew me 10 years ago, you knew a very different Molly. A broke and broken Molly who, when things got hard (and they got really, really hard), ran as far away from Jesus as she could. And the further I ran from Him, the darker my life got.
Until I hit rock bottom and realized I couldn’t do things my way anymore because my way wasn’t working. So I surrendered. I said, “Okay God, let me try things Your way.” And my life hasn’t been the same since.
This is not to say life has been easy (it hasn’t) – but when things get tough, instead of running away from God, I have to make the conscious decision (sometimes it has to be every minute) to run towards Him. I pick up my Bible (or let’s be honest, my Bible app on my phone) and I search for Hope and Light in the dark. And the thing is, when I just shut up and listen or I just cry out and wait… Jesus literally meets me right where I am. EVERY. TIME. Without fail.
This isn’t crazy woo woo stuff. It’s so real. Realer than I can even begin to describe. Here’s the thing… If you don’t love Jesus like crazy, you just don’t know Him yet. He’s so awesome. So. Awesome. He healed people, touched the untouchables, rebuked the religious elite, played with children, welcomed all, loved everyone, invited outcasts into His home, called ordinary people to do extraordinary things, brought people back to life, and forgave the unforgivable. Jesus is the actual best thing that’s ever happened to me. Because of Him, I have real, tangible, actual HOPE in a world (and a situation) that is filled with so much darkness. Because of Him, I have a Hope of heaven and a vision of holding my babies someday.
Some days are harder than others. Some days are darker than others. But no matter what the day looks like, the Lord is with me every single step crying with me, laughing with me, smiling with me, sobbing with me… He can handle my questions. He can handle my anger. He can handle my sadness. He can handle my arguing. He can handle my wrestling. He can handle all of it and He does not question one bit of it.
There are some answers I will never get this side of heaven and that is really hard. I will never know why I lost two babies nearly halfway through pregnancy. But no matter what, I can still trust that God is still good and He is faithful.
“I have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace. You will have suffering in this world. Be courageous! I have conquered the world.” -John 16:33